Wednesday, July 4, 2012

There have been so many thoughts running around in my head recently I have been unable to verbalize them.  I still don't know what to do with much of the information.  I have been hurting for adoptive families, who after bringing their child home, then for whatever reason are unable to continue to parent that child.  I attended Orphan Summit in California in May.  It was supposed to be a time of refreshment and encouragement for myself as an adoptive mother.  However, while I was there God began encouraging me to learn more ways the church can support foster/adoptive families.  I was so encouraged to hear how many churches were supporting these families and children. 

I recently met with some leaders in my own church to discuss ways we can support the foster/adoptive families in our church.  We actually have a large populations of adoptive/foster families.  I have two concerns for the families in our church, including my own family.  We have a fantastic support group lead by a couple of adoptive moms, but I really think that families are needing more. Support and encouragement of fellow adoptive families is very important but that is only a piece of the puzzle.   We are lacking support from the outside.  We need our church family to come along beside us to fill in where we can't do for ourselves.  Although adoption agencies are required to provide educational opportunities I still don't think families are prepared.  If, we as the church are going to step up to the call and encourage families to adopt/foster we, the church, need to be the ones to stand up next to them and hold them up.  Families are not prepared for the isolation they feel.  They are not prepared for the embarrassment that goes along with the lack of immediate attachment.  They are not prepared to have their marriage challenged.  They are not prepared for the spiritual warfare that will go on in their home.  They are not prepared for the loss of friendships and family.  WAKE UP CHURCH!!  WE NEED YOU!!!  We need someone to call and check on us.  We need someone to provide respite care.  We need someone to bring us a meal.  We need someone to be brave enough to come hang out at our house for adult conversation.  We need someone to pray with us.  We need someone to notice when we haven't been to church in a month. 

Second, our churches are not prepared to minister to our children.  I know that our family is quite unique due to our size and the number of needs our children have.  However, I have talked with several adoptive families and they are experiencing the same feelings.  Children who come from hard places or have significant medical/emotional needs have needs that are unique to them.   I am hearing too many families who are not sending their children into the church classroom because they feel that the leaders are not equipped to handle their child's very unique needs and behaviors.  We need our church family to be willing to be educated about the needs of our children.  We need our church family to love our children unconditionally.  We need our church family to be willing to volunteer to be our child's buddy so they can attend their age level class. 

I am seeing families, like my own, become isolated from their church family.  I would like to say that the meeting with my church leaders was productive but I can't say it was.  In fact, it was said, "it may be easier to start something outside the church.  Inside the church programs just get smothered out by church policies".   That is so true.  We attend what you would call a "mega church".   It is sad to say that church has become a "big business".  I will save that discussion for another time.  I don't know what God is wanting me to do with all of this.  Sometimes I feel like I am too weak to minister to other families but that is just selfishness.   How can I minister to others when I too am in need.  God has laid this upon my heart that I know, not sure what is next.

I just want to add, for those families who know us personally, life at our house is not always rosy.   I know that many times we look like we have it all together when we are in public.  Yes, I have had to physically dress my preteen adopted child because she refused to wear the same clothes more than once.  Yes, I have held a child screaming for their birth mom.  Yes, I have had a child tell me they want to go back to their birth country.  Yes, I have held a child as they screamed uncontrollably at night from night terrors.  Yes, I have been pushed away.  Yes, I have spent hours at a time repeatedly putting a child in time out.  Yes, I have sat in my closet and cried out to God.  Yes, I have wondered if I will ever attach to this child.  Yes, I yell at my kids.  Yes, I worry about my children with medical issues.  Yes, it overwhelms me sometimes.  Yes, I struggle daily.  So, if you need a friend I am here.  I may not understand exactly what you are going through but know that I too am struggling right along beside you. 

8 comments:

  1. I love your heart, your encouragement, and openness! Anytime you all are in Louisville and want a place to hang out you all are welcome to come to our home! We really need a ky get together soon.

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  2. Nice to hear from you here. You are right that our families are not always as they seem on the outside/in public. I often tell people there are more bad days than good days but the joy remains. Thank you for putting into words what many made-by-God families feel in the realm of support from their church family.

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  4. Thank you for your honesty. It is helpful when adoptive/ foster families paint an accurate picture so we know how to help. We have many friends that we have supported as they journey through adoption and foster care.Now, its our turn. As we begin seek the Lord for his direction on fostering and adopting its families like yours and posts like this that help us to know what to be prepared for. Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable. I know its hard. Know you have prayer and support coming your way from the church all around the world. Don't be discouraged today! Know that the Lord's will is good even as you walk through these trials. Praying for you very specifically today sister! -Candice

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    1. Candice, Thanks for the encouragement. We have had to blaze our own trail in this journey and now we are hoping to help other families so they do not feel they are going it alone.

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  5. Wow, I stumbled on your blog from one of your posts at RQ. I can TOTALLY relate to all of this. We too attend a "mega church". I've never heard anyone put voice to how I feel, the "big business" description--oh my, so true and so SAD!!!

    I wish I could do more too, but we are so isolated and needy ourselves. Yes, marriage has taken suffering, the spiritual warfare at times unbelievable, and just recently our new daughter had a procedure done on her heart. I know church staff knew and NO ONE called or came by the hospital. We sat in the waiting room (DH and myself) for 12 HOURS. No one prayed for her, with us, nothing. It just hurts and you wonder why do we even go there? I know we don't go just to have our needs met, but sometimes that would be nice every once in a while. I guess what hurts is thinking that with each child we've adopted (4 in the last 3 years; 2 birth children already), people care less about each one. That really, really hurts. I don't know the answer though.

    Thank you for sharing though. Helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings on this.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. It is nice to know we are not the only ones who feel this way. We are on our fifth adoption in 5 years so we know how that feels.

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  6. Thank you for your wonderful post. It was honest and real.

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